It was a silent evening, the sun almost out of view.. she sat on her bed looking out of the window... thinking... there was so much to think about, she loved thinking... she loved talking to herself.. and it had been ages since she'd done that...
The door of her room was closed, her mother downstairs thought she was asleep... nobody would disturb her... she closed the copy of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables tha
t lay open on her bed... reading could be done later... the end of the pencil in her hand touched her cheek and the other hand supported her head.. she was staring out of the window as far as her sight could manage to see... the horizon... the red-orange sky with a tint of pink... against a silhouette of the top of trees....hmmm... this wasn't it... nothing near what she had wanted things to be like... she knew she was failing her own expectations, let alone do what her parents thought she could... she remembered her sister had said a few days back "God won't be THAT unfair" when she was looking for something that she had lost... and yes she'd found it...
but "unfair" was still the only word she could think of... life was being unfair!!
so much she had been given to do... without much time....she couldn't... she wanted to give up... she felt like it.. she wanted to sit down and breath... they were deciding things for her always.. they asked her to do something.. she had to do it.. they asked her to handle it alone... she did... she tried her best to.. all for the one desire of keeping others happy... and they... they don't even come to know when she gets hurt... when she begins to breakdown .. inside her heart... it still hurts... a lump somewhere... it won't go... she's scared... of what she doesn't know... maybe of being left alone... of not knowing what to do if she loses those people who mean a lot to her.. of hurting someone with absolutely no intention at all... or maybe just not having anyone to love... and maybe of losing someone who loves her...
but the failure that she saw coming her way... she prayed everyday... she remembered him saying "God is your friend..." she wished he were right... she wished she could meet god, sit with him and explain to him how she was tired of not knowing waht to do!... everytime she was asked a question.. her only answer would be "I don't know..."
...she didn't!
and she couldn't help it... it all seemed so absurd, so sudden, so unpredictable... she'd rather not be sure than have a dissappointed heart... she didn't want to cry.. she was tired of crying... but she did...
when she felt alone..
but he was there....
but there were times they couldn't talk...
and nobody else would...
they wouldn't listen..
even if they did, they'd percieve it not in the way she meant it...
sometimes she felt she was losing herself... to time and place and people.... she was forgetting that she had so much more to her than what she was being... was she making her life what it was or was life making her what she was... she still didn't know...
-Evangeline
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